Inclusive Pronouns
Why Do Pronouns Matter?
Our brains are wired to make assumptions about others based on their appearance and name. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, but when we want to support other humans on this planet, it can be helpful to set up systems to interrupt those assumptions when they don’t serve us well.
For many people of color, having their names mispronounced can be deeply upsetting. It can tap into a well of grief, anger, and/or frustration that is the result of many systems’ refusal to acknowledge who they are. Similarly, you may not understand why a transgender person might be sensitive about their name and pronouns… but many of us are.
Using someone’s correct personal pronouns is one way to show respect for them; it can contribute to an inclusive professional environment in which team members can do their best work. In many states, it is also a legal requirement that an employee’s chosen name and pronoun are used, regardless of whether that individual has changed their gender on their legal documents or has undergone any medical transition.
What are Pronouns?
A pronoun is a shorthand way of referring to a person when you don’t use their name. Common personal pronouns are he/him/his, she/her/hers, or they/them/theirs. An example of a pronoun in a sentence is: “She went to the store to get eggs for her cookies,” or “They wear awesome bow ties, and their work product is always stellar.”
Some people use no pronouns at all, so you would just use their name when referring to them. “Stella is on our IT team, and if you ask Stella, Stella will tell you that Stella prefers Apple products to Windows.” Others use what are called “neo pronouns,” or alternative pronouns that aren’t listed above. These pronouns include ze/zir (pronounced “zee” and “zeer”), ze/hir, and so on.
How Do I Find Out Someone’s Pronouns?
First, ask yourself if you need to know their pronoun. If you plan to speak directly to them, you may not need to inquire. But if you are likely to refer to them in the third person, you may choose to ask them politely by saying, “What pronoun do you use?” You may also choose to share yours first by saying, “My name is Trystan and I use he, him, his. How about you?” Most transgender, gender non-conforming, and/or non-binary people are used to asking for and offering their pronouns; if it feels awkward to ask, it’s likely a conundrum on your side and not theirs.
You may also choose to build systemic support for inclusive pronoun practices, such as adding pronouns to email signatures and name tags in your place of business. This can take some of the awkwardness out of asking; you can simply read and remember colleagues’ pronouns from their emails. However, it is important that these policies are rolled out thoughtfully; not everyone is used to discussions about pronouns, and if there isn’t adequate attention given to the roll-out process, your transgender staff members could bear the brunt of a backlash.
What If I Mess Up?
The process of retraining your brain isn’t easy; like with any new skill, it takes practice. The good news is that neuroscience teaches us that the brain is malleable across the entire lifespan, which means you can learn to use pronouns in a different way at any point! However, because the process involves an evolution in your use of language, it’s imperative that you create a psychologically safe environment to do so. This means that you should make an effort not to shame yourself throughout the process.
That being said, when you make a mistake, be sure to acknowledge it. A simple, “Sorry,” along with a correction to the right pronoun, is perfect. If someone has corrected you, a simple, “Thank you,” along with a correction, will suffice. If you want to deepen your accountability, you may choose to pull the person aside at a later time (when others are not around), and further acknowledge your mistake, reiterating your commitment to change.
When you acknowledge your mistake, don’t throw yourself an apology parade. Simply take responsibility for it, make it right, then keep moving.
How do I use gender-neutral pronouns successfully?
Click here to learn how to retrain your brain so you can easily use gender-neutral pronouns!